Smile everyday written in the sand

I didn’t want to cry at work today

I never cry at work. It’s the one place I like to “keep-it-together”, as it were, but sometimes the mask slips – and I’ve learnt that, that’s ok.

I didn’t want to cry at work today, but if I didn’t, it felt as though something would burst inside of me, and I wanted to regain some kind of control over my emotions, and my body.

As lunchtime approached I swept myself off to the corner of a meeting room, with my laptop as a prop for my cover story and wept into a tissue. The worst thing was I had to hold back the sound of the hysteria – that bit hurt, my chest ached – but the immediate release I felt when the tears came gushing out of my eyes, and slipped down my cheeks, was euphoric. Almost like I’d come up for air after having held my breath underwater for far too long.

I gasped, sniffled, wiped away the tears and sighed. I felt so much better. Picking up my laptop, and emerging from the meeting room, with my head held higher than when I had gone into the room, I took off to my impending meeting – and nobody need have had any clue as to that outburst I had just had just minutes before.

  • What had gone wrong, I had no idea.
  • There had been no trigger.
  • No one had said anything bad.
  • Nothing had gone wrong.
  • I just, needed to cry.

I smiled for the rest of the day, with slight slumps throughout the afternoon, but I knew this was a temporary state and while I didn’t know if anything was causing it, I had control.

I was the one that had chosen to cry at the point that I wanted to.

I was the one that knew I’d feel better afterwards.

I’d woken up ok, tired, but ok. A bad night of disturbed but deep sleep – if that’s even a thing – had me feeling a little shady. I started my period yesterday and while my spirits had been up then, they’d somehow dipped a little overnight. But, I was still happy!

The inexplicably temperamental nature of my mood, was easily explained by the fact that Mother Nature had arrived. A magnification of the anxiety I had already been feeling about a few uncertainties both at home and at work – but hadn’t really bothered me until now. The odd thing is, they still don’t but Mother Nature often has other ideas.

If anxiety is a bastard, menstruation is a bitch.

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