It’s been a while since I’ve put pen to paper or fingertip to keyboard for anything other than work. It’s not that I don’t have anything to write about, I have plenty of material – but when I’m feeling on top of the world, writing just feels a bit… peculiar, more difficult it would seem. But I’d say judging by some of my real lows of past it’s really not a bad problem to have.
Even now I’m sitting here giddy, thinking about how happy I am about some of the most recent changes that I’ve embraced into my life but yet have no idea of how to structure them with the written word – it’s frustrating believe me – but I’m content with it, because it means things are good.
I guess in a sense, this post is my aim at trying to work that all out, overcome writers block and try and write something down to celebrate it but at this point it doesn’t seem to be working.
When I write it’s cathartic and I hope there are times when I can evoke empathy with my words, but while writing now my thoughts keep darting around the space in my mind trying to find a single happy article I can remember reading that I empathised with. One could say that’s symbolic of the kind of person I have been previously – somber and moody, or symptomatic of the kind of things I read.
I did just have a thought though – what if I’m too scared to write about how happy I am, and this moment because I’m scared of reading it back retrospectively at a time when I’m not as happy? *shudders*
While, that was bleak, it is potentially true. However, I’m not going to be too scared to be honest, and neither should you. Since my battles with my mental well-being have become more obvious I’ve begun to open up about my emotions instead of being ashamed, things like: sadness, anger, jealousy, angst, worry and regret. So much so that I’ve tried to use it as a mechanism for making such emotions less taboo, and to create a wider platform for them to be spoken about, written about and hopefully empathised with.
While emotions felt aren’t always the right ones to be feeling, rational or warranted I’ve found writing them and sharing them is what helps me acknowledge and realise that and then I change how I act upon them. I can be ashamed of how I have acted but never of how I feel.
Which is what’s strange, because writing right now, about how happy I am in this moment appears to be having the completely opposite effect and I’m unsure why I’m shying away from broadcasting this emotion.
Truth be told, I feel at the peak of happy right now. That feels so strange to write, but I’ve done it!
I’ve rediscovered my soul mate and I now get to sleep next to his “serene” snoring and wake up grumpy (I’m not a morning person) next to him every day. We’ve taken our time apart, we’ve had our perspective and we’ve been reborne into a loving relationship of equals, and an acknowledgement that sometimes both of us don’t have to be ok, sometimes we need our time and where it’s likely neither will take one another for granted again – unless of course he neglects to wash the pots (joke.)
And yes, he snores, and I may have moaned about it for the years we were together before, but now I know if I moan it’ll be just to remind myself that I’d rather have him snoring next to me at night than sleeping next to my own silent thoughts of him, wondering if he was ok. *gushes*
I have the love and support of my friends and my family, who are also healthier and an even bigger part of my life than they were. And my health, while it could always be better (I really am a sickly person) has never been better, because rather than being a perfectionist or obsessing about how many times I’m running or doing yoga a week, I’m listening to my body and giving it what it needs, when it needs it – rest.
The great thing aswell is that one of my biggest anxieties is no longer a big anxiety but a much smaller one – as it should be – my career is now enabling me to discover new places, new foods and meet new people and travel while also exploring new avenues and possibilities for the future both at work and at home – the future is looking incredibly exciting for working with my own passions.
Reading that back, out of context it could sound as though I’m bragging – ok, maybe I am a little – but it’s about time I was able to stand back and smile without a single thing to moan about.
When I began this personal project of documenting my nerves and anxieties with (what I deem to be) tasty food and recipes, borne out of kitchen experiments, I was still going over some very old ground. I’d just finished my therapy, had a lot of confused priorities although was working through them and finding plenty of time for some much needed self-love, mindfulness and pro-activity. Fast forward to now and while life is by no means balanced – it’s better. Self-love is a top priority still, because I now know without it I can’t possibly expect others to put up with me, nor love me either.
Ok, so writing while happy still feels incredibly weird.