Fine rum and anxiety

Today, history repeated itself

Today history repeated itself and so did I. I’m a little bit gutted that one of my CBT exercises didn’t help. Either that or I didn’t help myself! If I could go back to the moment this photo was taken, I’d do things very differently.

As I lay here in bed attempting to sleep off what, I feel, has been a rough day, I’m full of regret, disappointment and sadness. Anxiety got the better of me this evening and, I’m not going to lie, ruined, what could’ve been a perfect lovely time. I’m hating myself for it, even though I know this is the worst time to be putting myself down.

I had a bad day at work, it was rough. But I was full of excitement for post-work plans. However when I finished work, plans became uncertain and I was left without an answer or a reply.

So, rather than talk myself down, or find somewhere to chill, I panicked, filled in the blanks I was missing, with a story, which meant by the time plans were back on I was ready to project my anxiety. I was triggered.

History repeated itself

The above photo was taken half an hour after plans we’re back on. I’d just ordered happy hour drinks. My attempt to paint on a smile knowing full well I was about to head down a path of destruction.

Truth be told, nobody could’ve done anything right once I’d been triggered and I should’ve just gone home. But instead I lied to myself, told myself I could get a handle on things and let them go.

I wasn’t quite ready to discipline my inner chimp. Why is it so easy to work ourselves up but not back down?

I had all of the ingredients for a nice evening but it ended up with me, home, in bed, attempting to sleep the rest of the night and my spiraling thoughts off, and all because I had a bad day and for some reason wanted it to continue

Why do we push the people away that we love most when we need them most? I know I’d have preferred a cuddle or kiss way more than hiding myself in my bedroom.

I guess there’s one thing to take from this. I’ve progressed in my acknowledgement of how I feel and can hopefully rest in the knowledge that when I read this again tomorrow I won’t feel the same!

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